Celebrating birthdays

Birthdays in our house, much like many others I’m sure are an exciting, joyous occasion. Anticipation builds the closer we get, we get excited about celebrating the person and buying them gifts, and they get excited about the surprises that may be in store.

It has recently been our youngests fourth birthday. Since adopting him last year, each of the family has had their birthday except him, giving him the opportunity to see what birthdays look like in our house, how we decorate, where we put the presents to be opened, how we display our cards and the routine of the day. He has been very much a part of the preparation for our birthdays and I enjoyed a particular moment on my birthday when he ran to whisper that I was having a cake but it was a surprise – forgetting that I might be the one person he shouldn’t be telling!!

For our older birth children, their birthdays have had elements of always being the same. Same home, same routine, same family visiting, a routine chosen and formed around them, based on the experiences of birthdays bought together by my husband and I, and adapted over the years as they have grown.

For our youngest, his fourth birthday was different. Despite it only being the fourth, he has had birthdays in three different homes. You would think, given his age that he wouldn’t recall much detail, but he can. Even a year on he was able to tell me what cake he had, that he had a bouncy castle for his party and some of the gifts (that I can see he received from photos of this time).

I would say his memories and expectation of birthdays are happy events, for months leading up to his he asked us constantly when his birthday was going to be, putting in his own system the closer we got of counting down: preschool day, Saturday, church day, preschool day, preschool day – my birthday! He would verbalise that he was happy or excited about his birthday. He requested many different types of cakes before settling on a farm themed cake!

Differently than with our birth children, and similarly with so many elements of adoptive parenting, my husband and I were very mindful that this event in particular was very likely to raise some difficult feelings in him. So we waited, continuing to be lead by him in respect of his feelings towards the occasion.

A few days before his birthday we began to see the change we had known now to anticipate. His emotions became heightened (beyond that of his usual 3 year old self), he began to interact differently with us, wanting more reassurance, wanting to be carried rather than walking, becoming more upset at requests or instruction, needing lots of hugs,

He started talking about his foster carers a lot again as he does when unsettled, saying he missed them and asking where they were and what they were doing. He had a couple of nights where he once again woke screaming multiple times, see my post sleepless nights.

During this time, once while fully awake and once in the middle of a sleepless night, he verbalised that he was feeling sad and happy about his birthday, happy because he was excited and sad because he missed his foster carers. I was amazed at his ability to not only recognise these feelings for what they were, but also verbalise them, giving us something really clear to support him with. We talked with him, reassured him, held him and told him how much he was loved.

The morning of his birthday, he was so excited! He clarified if it was now his birthday and then joined in with the excitement of the day. He opened his presents from our household that had been lovingly set out in a space decorated by his big brothers. Once the bigger two had gone to school, my husband, our little one and I took a trip to the farm. We spent time with the animals, and he grew in confidence as the day went on, petting donkeys, goats and rats! After school wider family visited and we enjoyed the farm themed cake together and he received more gifts, opening and interacting with them.

He did so very well. It was a really big day for him. There were overwhelming moments, and it was difficult to tell if this was because of the significance of the day or because he’s 4! but we supported him along the way as he needed us too and the day was far more settled than we imagined it might have been.

A few days later, we hosted a party for him with some of his closest friends. He had a great time and was especially pleased to play pass the parcel with his friends. We kept the event fairly small, with friends and their children that we knew we could be honest with if we felt it was becoming too much, but he seemed to love his time and we ended up extending it beyond the originally planned end time.

His birthday was a big event for him. It’s been an event that we have all anticipated with excitement, but also been uncertain of what impact it might have on him. There has been a lingering sense of uncertainty following his birthday with an increased need for reassurance, but we are supporting him as he walks through it once again. It was important that he had this moment to build new memories, but also space and support to remember his past.

He is very pleased to be 4, and as a whole family we had a great time celebrating with him. He has told almost everyone we have seen about now being 4, excitedly holding up four fingers to show his age and through this season he has been very loved by friends and family and for that we are grateful.