The First Year

Last week marked a whole year since our little one came home. It seems like he’s been with us his whole life, whilst at the same time feels that we’ve had no time at all together.

I have been reflecting on all that has happened in the past year. I have sometimes worried and talked through with my husband that I so desperately don’t want this blog to be too negative, focussing on the struggles that present themselves, but I also don’t want it to be a rose-tinted account. We know that at this stage as a family, we don’t face the challenges that many adoptive parents face with significant behaviours and almost constant dysregulation that are the result of their children’s past experiences. Similarly our little one doesn’t have any identified additional needs as so many adopted children do. But we have found that parenting a joyful, inquisitive, funny, outgoing 3-4 year old child who has had a very unsettled past, is very different from our experience of having parented our birth children. So above all, I want this blog to be a real reflection of our journey.

As I think about this year I think back to the transition time where we spent two weeks focussing on getting to know and learning about our little one as he moved from his foster carers home to our own. I remember beforehand feeling so worried about the impact on our birth children feeling valued and loved when our focus was on our newest member of the family. I know now I didn’t need to worry as they took it all in their stride as the time flew by. They were loved by our family and friends and made to feel special in different ways.  

Then I think to this tiny 3 year old boy who didn’t know us at all and yet suddenly had to up root his entire existence without real understanding as to why and start again, absolutely everything unknown and once again brand new. While he presents as very settled for the most part, I sometimes wonder what that must feel like, how long it will take him to fully trust that we are here for good and that the same thing won’t happen again.

I move on to thinking about how we’ve built relationships together. I’ve watched on in awe as our two eldest children have extended their strong bond outwards to include their new brother. How, like with all siblings, there are more challenging moments! But how overall, they bring such joy to each other in such different ways, valuing and loving each other as equal siblings. For me, it took a little longer to form our bond, I had expected it to be instant, but the intensity of the situation for us all meant that it took time to discover how everything worked together in our new family set up. It will have been so much harder for him, getting to know the new people now introduced as his family forever without a real concept that this isn’t the experience for every child.

I think about the many introductions he has had with our family alone; 3 health visitors, 3 social workers, a new preschool, our whole church, friends, grandparents and wider family and the goodbyes for him before that. I love the relationships that have developed in this time. His favourite 3 friends from preschool and church who he talks about almost daily. Our closest friends and family who love him because they love us, and what an amazing support they have been. The friend’s and acquaintances who are pleased to see him, at church, or on the school run and take time to listen every time he wants to tell them about his day. Learning all those names, all the faces, who belongs in which family, how they connect together.

Then there are the sleepless nights and the times of uncertainty. They are much less frequent now, but it took time; a long time, with us having to remind him who we were, using our first names as in his sleepy state he couldn’t be sure. He continues, a year on to need a lot of reassurance. He verbalises that he misses his previous foster carer because he was loved and cared for by them. On a more frequent basis he misses my husband or myself when we are away from the house, this has been amplified again at the moment as I have recently returned to work, mostly during the hours he is at preschool, yet he is still unsettled as he knows it’s a change. I have now frequently seen how these times of uncertainty are triggered by certain events/changes, and it will be some time yet for this to settle.

Finally, although this is not an exhaustive list, there’s the planning; the preparation needed for anything new. Due to the distance from previous care givers, it’s very likely that most places we go with him are new. So we have learnt to build up conversation about what he should expect. What the space looks like, what we might hear, see or smell, who else might be there, whether there will be food and most importantly who from our family will be with him. I liked to be prepared with our birth children at this age as I think it helps them engage and feel safe, but with our little one it is a necessity. His ability to not be completely overwhelmed and his enjoyment of the day, outing or event so often relies on this planning and reassurance and us being able to take him to one side for a moment to remind him he is safe and loved.

There is so much more I could explore; this year has been big. I believe that he does feel safe and settled, but this is still coupled with times of uncertainty; highlighted to us through his sleep or behaviours. His history is still very much a part of his present and will undoubtedly continue to impact on his future. It can be hard, but we wouldn’t change any element of our decision to welcome him into our family, this wonderful boy has changed our lives. He is amazing.