Reassurance

Our little one was adopted when he had recently turned 3. Prior to living with us, he had a number of homes, although was with his foster carer previous to us for over a year. Within his foster home he had been very well cared for and loved. I will always be grateful to his foster carers for this, but for him, the result of lots of moves and the final move from one loving home to another has been a challenge and this has resulted in him needing a lot of encouragement and reassurance.

It is not uncommon for him to check ‘you my family?’ or ‘you my mummy?’, or listing our family members names. This has been ongoing since he joined us nearly 9 months ago and is especially prevalent when something has changed or unsettled him a little. Sometimes he will ask it as a question, other times its simply phrased as a statement, sometimes its multiple times times a week or day but always with the need for reassurance. 

This need for reassurance can happen at any time, anywhere and while we have our family transition book, and lots of photos, sometimes we need something more instant. We therefore have another way to talk through his story with the use of our hands to bring it to life - much like the song 'Tommy Thumb';

Happily for us, both the foster carers and our household (with him included in ours) are families of five with 1 cat – you may need to get creative if your family is any larger than five, but any less and you could make this method work.

My left hand always represents his foster family, my right always represents ours – each finger on each hand represents a different person. I start with both hands in a fist, we then talk about his foster family, and I raise a finger with each name - the cat being represented by a ring I wear! I explain that these are the people in their family and that from time to time they have other children visit and live with their family so they can be loved and looked after – him being one of them.

I then use my thumb from my right hand to represent him (keeping the others on that hand closed in a fist - they will come later). I hold my right thumb close to my left hand so that he joins their family. As we talk through that they played with him and loved him and gave him lots of cuddles, I move my left fingers about along with my right thumb, always ending with those fingers enclosing my right thumb – as if giving it a hug.

I talk about how there were some grown ups (naming the social workers or others he knows) that decided that while he was loved in his foster carers family, he needed a family of his own and so his social worker started looking for a family just for him. At this point I close down my left hand into a fist, and tuck in my right thumb representing him so that both hands are in fist.

Now its time to introduce our family as it was (on my right hand) – my husband, myself, our two older boys and again the cat (the ring on my other hand!) I talk about how we were already a family, but we wanted someone special to join us. I explained that some grown-ups (naming our social worker) knew that and were looking for the right special person for us.

Next I try to ensure the right fingers move up and down for the right names as I explain – ‘the grown-ups met together and said I know! (his name) needs a family, and mummy, daddy (and his brothers names and cat!) need a (his name)! lets make them a family!’ (at this point I make sure not to raise his thumb and our fingers at the same time – that comes later)

I close both hands into fists again and I give a second or two pause to ensure he is keeping up and can focus on what is being said here.  

Then I hold up the foster carer fingers and the thumb representing him again reminding him who they are if needed – we talk about everyone feeling a bit sad that he would be moving because they would miss each other, but happy that he has a family just for him and excited that he will have lots of new adventures. I then reintroduce myself and my husband, telling him that Mummy and Daddy came to visit him at the foster carers house and had a play with him. When it’s time, I make sure the foster family fingers give him a hug and a happy wave goodbye before closing the foster family into a fist for the rest of the story with a goodbye from them. We talk through how he travelled to our house with his favourite teddies, then collected our big boys from school (raising their fingers at this point) and went home.

We finish by talking about lots of lovely things we have enjoyed doing as a family, and how much we love everyone in our family – naming each of us and moving our family fingers around as we do so.

This may seem complicated –  but it really is as straightforward as using your fingers as mini puppets to tell your child’s story. It was pure chance that I started telling the story like this, but has been so helpful as a way to explain his situation. Your story will of course differ from ours, but it’s been really helpful for him to have something visual, using the same phrases each time to reassure him when he needs to understand the changes he has experienced.

This story telling isn't an easy task and the way we tell it will of course need to change as he grows, but it is so important in helping him understand his history and for now its just what he needs.